I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
