Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
