My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
