I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
