I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
