is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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