A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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