Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
