maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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