Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
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I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
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this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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