naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
