Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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