seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
