i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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