If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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