I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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