Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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