just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
