he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
