wanna go halves on a baby?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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