Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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