Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
