Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
