I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
