Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
