why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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