that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
