____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
