I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
