i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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