i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
