I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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