By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
