so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
