Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
