a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
