Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
