Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
