i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
