theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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