and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
