I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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