At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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