oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
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Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
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I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
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