I cut my penus on the lid.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
