When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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