I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
