When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
