I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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