i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
