My first STD was from a foam party
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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