one two three fourrrrnication!
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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