I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
