it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
