my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
