I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize