We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
