Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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