I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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